The last few months have been hard. The new medicine the doctor had put me on to help me sleep at night didn’t work. All it did was place me in a deep depression and cause triggers with PTSD and anxiety. I know that I’ve written a little bit about this before but I don’t believe I ever went into much detail about it. I’m not sure I can go into too much detail since it is deeply personal, but I’ll try.
While we are all meeting in SL, the fact that we have an avatar sort of fools us into feeling as if we are in person, face to face, when we are not. There are two fast rules that every relationship should live by. 1. Remember that your partner is human. They will disappoint you, hurt you at times and make mistakes. 2. Communication is vital to every relationship, in any world. If you stop communicating with your partner, then they have nothing to go on and their mind fills in the blanks.
For me, I lived through so many years of mental abuse where I was told on a near daily basis that I was worthless. That I was so bad of a person, that only “he” could ever love me and threats to leave me each time I made him angry. Along with the words, “what will you do then? Who will have you?” after so long, you start to believe those words. Even now, after all these years, there are times when those words pass through my mind as an unwanted penny digging at my confidence and chipping away at everything.
This week in therapy I learned to not be so hard on myself. To understand that while I am many things, I am not a mind reader. I cannot know things unless I am told and to assume that I should automatically understand or know what is going on or that something is going on is unrealistic and unreasonable. I learned to not beat myself up over things out of my control or I did not do. To understand that those voices in my head are from my past trauma, eventually I will know what to do about them, and above all to not hold myself to unreasonable or unrealistic expectations too.
I learned that I can’t be so hard on myself in this world. That I am only human and I make mistakes. Sometimes they’re big mistakes, sometimes they are smaller mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are devastating and lead to a great loss, but I am still an imperfect human being and to not expect perfection from myself. It’s a lesson we can all learn from.
Don’t expect perfection and don’t think that you’re perfect or you won’t make any mistakes. Own up to them, apologize when you figure it out and move forward. You will either be forgiven for the mistakes or you won’t but at least you tried and that’s all that you can do: is try. Also don’t be so unforgiving that you cannot accept others for their mistakes and being human too because none of us are perfect and never will be.
I am not as bad as I was last week. I have improved over this week by taking it one day at a time. I’m not as overwhelmingly sad or feeling as empty inside, and things seem to be balancing out with this new medicine…which is a good thing. From what I understand, the lack of sleep, the Clonidine throwing me into a deep depression and all-around stress from everything going on around me, led to some poor judgement choices and second guessing myself. I’m getting help and am on a list for a full-time counselor. In the meantime, I have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. Along with weekly check-ins with a Behavior Specialist Consultant.
I have one more post to do before Christmas break. I’ll be taking a few days off for Christmas Eve and Day this year and trying to focus a little more on me and my family. Have a very Merry Christmas and many blessings for the new year. Laters, Adventurites! ~LA
See Full Resolution version on Flickr.
Credits:
Apple Fall Potting Shelf
Apple Fall Happy Santa Figure (Berry)
Apple Fall Winter Heart Wreath
DFS Xmas 2020 Goat – Female – Holly
DFS Xmas 2020 Goat – Male – Jolly
DFS Christmas Field Mailbox 2020
Note: These items were at the SL Christmas Expo 2020 but they are now in the main store.
dust bunny – lumberjack’s axe
Potomac Watering Can
LB_DouglasFirTree{Animated}4Seasons – TLC Event Dec 2020
LB_CrispyGrass{Animated}SeasonsSoft
LB_CypressOak.v1{Animated}4Seasons
LB_OakShrubTree{Animated}4Seasons
Trompe Loeil – Knoxlane Barrel Bench PG [mesh]
{what next} Winter’s Cottage RARE