The closer it gets to Christmas and my birthday, the worse I feel. Well, maybe not worse. I don’t really know how to describe what I’m feeling other than “nothing.” I just feel empty. As if someone reached inside me and ripped out all of my emotions leaving behind an empty shell of the woman that I used to be. It’s nothing anyone is doing. Rather it is me. I feel numb. Empty. Like I spent so long making sure those around me are happy that I forgot myself. Either that or the new medicine that I am on for anxiety and PTSD is affecting me adversely.
My birthday is coming up and it is hitting me hard. I have come so far over the years but I haven’t done the things that I had wanted to do when I was younger. Years ago, my personal goals included a home of my own, kids, a significant other, etc. Education and a career. I filled two. I have an amazing man in my life and I went as high as a Masters of Arts degree in History and Culture. Although, I never did anything with my degrees in history. I have diplomas from the Art Institute in Digital Design and Technology Development, which I went after when graduating from Union with my Masters led nowhere.
I am sitting on $250,000 in student loans because as I was going to school, I followed the bad advice of my dad who told me to take everything I could through those years because I could “just pay it back.” There are so many ways that I regret following this advice and if I could go back and do it all over again, I would only take what was needed for tuition/fees and books instead of everything offered. If I had done that, I would go for graphic design from the get go. I know I can’t live on regrets, but this is one of mine. There are a lot of things going through my mind lately that are full of regrets.
Usually, I am excited for my birthday because it’s another year alive. Another year I can say that I survived cancer. Another year that I am with my loved ones. But this year is harder. Even though I am grateful for being alive, grateful for my man, my family, and friends, I am feeling the pangs of regrets in the middle of feeling numb and apathetic inside. Maybe things will look up soon. Maybe I’ll start feeling again or at least be able to put my finger on what I am feeling. I just know that I am hanging on by a thread and don’t know how to fix it. I hope you’re doing better than I am now, Adventurites. Laters ~LA
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Credits
Cotton Blossoms – Assorted Holiday Cards Pack 2020 – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Arts & Crafts – Deck the Halls
Arts & Crafts – Ho Ho Ho
Arts & Craft – Happy Festivus
Arts & Craft – Merry Happy Everything
Hanukkah – Candles
Hanukkah – Latke
Dekute Dekore – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Classic Chair – Christmas – Red : by Dekute Dekore
Classic Fireplace – Christmas – Best Memories :by Dekute Dekore
Classic Side & Coffee Tables Christmas : by Dekute Dekore
Classic Sofa – Christmas – Red : by Dekute Dekore
Riley’s Memorial Picture Frames : by Dekute Dekore
Digital Farming System – SL Christmas Expo 2020
DFS Stuffie – Krissy the Christmas Calf
FaceDesk – SL Christmas Expo 2020
FaceDesk – Holiday Yule Log w/Candles
Yule Candle Plate – Green (c) FaceDesk
MOoH! Christmas gacha
MOoH! Wood toy xmas tree pot 1LI
MOoH! Wood toy xmas tree 1LI
MOoH! Xmas candle bear 2LI
MOoH! Xmas gifts 2LI
MOoH! Xmas tree with train 7LI RARE
Moonley Inc. – Holly Jolly Frame Set – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Moonley Inc. – Holly Jolly 1
Moonley Inc. – Holly Jolly 2
Moonley Inc. – Holly Jolly 3
Moonley Inc. – Holly Jolly 4
Moonley Inc. – Ho Ho Ho Frame Set – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Moonley Inc. – Joy
Moonley Inc. – Ho Ho Ho
PurpleMoon – SL Christmas Expo 2020
PurpleMoon – Set of Xmas Glass Domes with mesh lights
- Scarlet Creative Magicae House – Moon
Spargel & Shine Homes – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Jackie’s Rocking Horse – Spargel & Shine Homes
Jamie’s Dollhouse Gift Boxed – Spargel & Shine Homes
Country Critter Dino Stocking-full – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Country Critter Lion Stocking-full – SL Christmas Expo 2020
The Best Gift Frame(b) – Advent Calendar
Vidarr’s Legacies – SL Christmas Expo 2020
Stallion Wall Display – 100% Donation
West Village Maynard Paneling, Straight – Dark Stain
